louise-hurley

Why conflict with your kids feels so hard...

Thu, 30 Apr 2026 05:11:02 GMT

There's a moment that catches many of us off guard a couple of years into parenting.

Your child resists.
They shout.
They refuse.
They melt down over something that seems so small.

And suddenly… it doesn’t feel small at all.

Your body tightens.
Your patience disappears.
Your voice changes.

Or maybe you go quiet. Freeze. Walk away.

And afterwards, you’re left wondering:
Why was that so hard?

It’s Not Just About Your Child’s Behaviour

What you’re experiencing in those moments isn’t simply frustration.

It’s activation.

Because conflict with your child doesn’t just live in the present moment.
It pulls on everything you were taught about relationships, authority, and emotional safety.

Many of us were raised with messages like:

Keep the peace
Don’t talk back
Do as you’re told
Be the “good” child

There wasn’t space for disagreement.
There wasn’t modelling of repair.
There wasn’t safety in conflict.

So now, when your child pushes back, your nervous system reads it as something much bigger than it is.

Not just “this is inconvenient”
But “this is unsafe”

Why Your Reactions Feel So Automatic

When your nervous system is activated, you don’t get access to your calm, reflective parenting tools.

Instead, you move into autopilot:

You react quickly and sharply
You shut the situation down
Or you withdraw completely

And then later, the guilt creeps in.

Not because you don’t care.
But because you do-and your response didn’t match the kind of parent you want to be.

Most of us has never been shown how to regulate ourselves in real time.

If conflict has been feeling heavy, draining, or triggering for you, it doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong.

It means your system is doing exactly what it was wired to do.

But with the right support, that can change.

You can learn how to:

stay grounded in the moment
hold boundaries without escalating
and move through conflict without losing yourself-or your relationship with your child

If This Is Where You Feel Stuck

This is exactly the work I support parents with.

Not just understanding the theory…
but learning how to apply it in your real, everyday moments.

If you’re ready to shift out of that react → regret cycle, you can reach out and we’ll figure out the right next step for you.

Reach out here

The Reality of the First Week Back to School

Fri, 24 Apr 2026 05:37:14 GMT

When things don't fall back into place immediately...

Many families across the Middle East have been navigating weeks of uncertainty and disruption. And now, as children return to school for the first time since the end of February, it’s natural to expect things to fall back into place.

But what if they haven’t?

You might be seeing refusal to eat breakfast, meltdowns over shoes, or big emotions around getting dressed. Perhaps your child is coming home from school or nursery in that first week back, and everything spills out - anger, irritability, overwhelm.

It can leave you wondering:

What is going on? We’re back to routine… shouldn’t things be easier?

This is where it gets a little more nuanced.

Yes, routine supports regulation - but it doesn’t work instantly.

These children have had seven weeks of disrupted rhythm. Many have travelled, experienced change, absorbed stress around them, and then suddenly, they are expected to step straight back into structured days.

That’s a big shift for a nervous system.

The human brain finds safety in familiarity. Right now, your child is rebuilding that sense of safety through what I often call “new-old routines” — routines that once felt secure, but now need to be re-established.

And that takes time.

Over the coming days and weeks, focus on creating predictability.

Anchor the day with small, consistent moments.

Let your child know what to expect - what the day looks like, what the week holds.

Visual timetables can be incredibly helpful here.

So can keeping things simple: fewer surprises, fewer last-minute changes.

Because the truth is - it didn’t take a few days to go through what we’ve all been through.

So we can’t expect recovery to happen in a few days either.

This is a period of readjustment.

Go gently.

Stay consistent.

And trust that with time, things will settle again.

If your mornings feel like a battle or the after-school explosions are leaving you drained, you don’t have to figure it out on your own.

You can reach out for one-to-one support or simply start a conversation - sometimes a small shift can change everything.

When your 9-year-old talks to you like their PA

Mon, 20 Oct 2025 12:58:59 GMT

When their tone drives your crazy!

You know that tone.

The one that drips with attitude.

The eye roll, the sigh, the “I said I want it now.”

You tell yourself to stay calm.

You try the breathing.

You try not to take it personally.

But something inside you snaps.

Because it’s not just the words - it’s the way they say them.

It’s the sense that your child has forgotten you’re a human, not their personal assistant.

And when you finally lose it, the shame hits just as hard.

The guilt creeps in.

“I should know better. I’m the adult.”

It’s a loop so many parents know well - that mix of disrespect, reactivity, and regret that leaves everyone feeling disconnected and defeated.

�� It’s Not About Disrespect - It’s About Disconnection

When a child talks down to you or ignores your requests, it’s easy to label it as “rude.”

But beneath that behaviour is something deeper: disconnection.

Children don’t lose respect out of nowhere.

They lose regulation.

What often looks like defiance is, in fact, the body’s stress response - a child’s nervous system tipping into fight mode.

And when that happens, logic and empathy go offline.

Meanwhile, your nervous system reacts too.

Your heart rate goes up, your muscles tense, your body floods with cortisol - all before you’ve even said a word.

Now, two stressed systems are bouncing off one another, each amplifying the other’s reaction.

That’s the emotional loop so many families get trapped in.

It’s not a lack of discipline or structure - it’s a nervous system mismatch.

�� The Difference Between Control and Emotional Leadership

Most parents I work with are trying to stay calm.

They’ve done the reading, they’re practising patience, they’re avoiding shouting - but it still doesn’t seem to work.

That’s because calm words aren’t enough when your body is still in stress mode.

Children pick up on your energy long before they process your words.

What actually changes the dynamic is emotional leadership - the ability to stay emotionally in charge, not just in control.

That’s when your calm becomes contagious.

Your nervous system becomes the anchor your child’s can settle against.

It’s not about never losing your cool.

It’s about learning how to come back to calm quickly and consistently - so your child learns, through you, what regulation feels like.

�� What We Do Inside The Calm Connection

Inside The Calm Connection Group, I teach parents exactly how to shift these patterns - from reactive and exhausted to confident and connected.

We look at:

Why your child’s “attitude” is actually communication through stress.

How your own upbringing and nervous system responses shape your reactions now.

The science of emotional contagion - and how to use it to calm, not escalate, conflict.

How to model self-regulation so your child learns by co-regulating with you.

Because your child doesn’t need a perfect parent - they need a grounded one.

And once you learn how to lead from calm, not control, the shouting, guilt, and daily battles begin to ease.

If you’re tired of feeling like the household PA instead of the parent, this is your invitation to step into calm leadership that actually works.

�� Learn more about The Calm Connection Group - send me a message

It’s Not About the Shouting: What’s Really Underneath Parental Rage (And How to Change It)

Wed, 10 Sep 2025 15:43:31 GMT

When the guilt kicks in

You promise yourself you won’t shout today…

And then it happens again.

Your voice gets louder.

The guilt kicks in.

And you find yourself sitting on the stairs thinking, What is wrong with me??

If that sounds familiar, I want you to know this:

It’s not about the shouting. It’s what’s underneath it.

Shouting isn’t the core issue.

It’s the symptom. The warning light.

The final stop on the “I’ve-had-enough” train.

It might’ve started when you stubbed your toe this morning. Or when you were woken up by a toddler foot to the face after a terrible night’s sleep (my personal fave)

But that shout didn’t come from nowhere. It built up. Quietly. Slowly.

What’s underneath it?

Overstimulation.

Unmet needs.

Unprocessed resentment.

The emotional load that never quite lifts.

That shouty moment is your nervous system throwing its hands up going,

“ENOUGH. You’re not listening—so now we’ll make you.”

There’s nothing wrong with you.

You’re not broken.

You’re burnt out.

And that makes a whole lot of sense.

And Then the Guilt Comes…

The voice in your head whispers (or screams):

“I’m ruining them.”

“I must be an awful parent.”

Cue the spiral.

And when guilt runs the show, what do we do?

We overcompensate.

We drop boundaries, say yes when we want to say no, try to “make it up to them.”

But here’s the kicker:

Guilt isn’t growth.

And shame?

It’s never the way forward.

What we need isn’t perfection.

It’s tools.

Support.

And a whole new way of understanding what’s happening in those fiery moments.

It’s Not About Mindset—It’s About Capacity

Traditional advice falls short here.

“Just stay calm.”

“Count to 10.”

“Take a breath.”

If you’ve ever tried to deep-breathe your way out of a sensory overload meltdown in a shopping centre, you know it doesn’t cut it. It's like closing the stable door after the horse has bolted!

Because your problem isn’t willpower.

It’s your window of tolerance.

When you’re dysregulated, you can’t respond calmly. Your nervous system has already decided it’s time to fight, flee or freeze.

And yes - your child’s behaviour matters. But your state?

That’s the foundation.

Real change doesn’t come from memorising parenting scripts.

It comes from learning to pause, tune in, and regulate before reacting.

This Is What Changes Everything

The parents I work with go from reactive and overwhelmed to grounded and responsive in just a few weeks.

Not because they become perfect.

But because they learn to pause.

To recognize their cues.

To use simple somatic tools that create space to respond—not explode.

And the ripple effect at home? Massive.

Less tension.

More connection.

More trust in yourself as a parent.

Ready to Stop White-Knuckling It?

The Calm Connection was made for you.

It’s an 8-week, high-touch experience where we go underneath the shouting and shift the story at the root.

There are only 5 spots.

Early bird ends September 12th (or when 3 spots are gone—whichever comes first).

See details here

You know what to do, so why can't you do it?

louise@parentprospercoaching.com (Louise Hurley) — Wed, 02 Jul 2025 16:50:36 GMT

Parenting in the Heat of the Moment (Literally)

You Know What to Do, So Why Can’t You Do It?

If you know me at all, you’ll know I’m a cold weather girl.

It remains a mystery to me how I’ve managed to live this long in the Arabian Gulf.

Well, okay -not a complete mystery. Long live air conditioning!

But the point is: I don’t do well in the heat.

Parenting in the Heat of the Moment (Literally)

One of my biggest parenting flash points?

Parenting in hot weather.

Anyone with a toddler knows that buckling them into a car seat can be a challenge.

Especially if you’ve just cut their soft play session short and they really didn’t want to leave.

So when my kids hit that “I’ll do it myself” stage-the slow crawl from outside the car to their seat- I’m just standing there, sweating buckets.

That’s when I start to get impatient.

Aggravated by the 40-degree sun.

These are the moments I flip.

Honestly, it’s like rage surging through my body.

“Hurry up, for the love of all things holy!!”

I snap.

I force.

I yell.

All the things I know I shouldn’t be doing.

And of course, this escalates into a power struggle.

It doesn’t speed anything up. It just drains everyone.

By the time I collapse into the driver’s seat, I’m depleted.

Tomato-red.

Drenched in what I like to call pressure sweat.

But most of all?

I’m wracked with guilt.

Because I know what these kinds of reactions can do.

I’ve read the books.

I follow the accounts.

I know better.

Yet here we are.

It’s Not a Knowledge Gap. It’s a Nervous System Gap.

Even though you know, rationally, that yelling doesn’t help, many of us find ourselves doing it anyway.

Not because we’re bad parents.

But because we’re human - and triggered.

Parenting books rarely talk about this part:

What’s happening inside your body when you’re reacting.

This isn’t about needing more parenting tips.

This is about your nervous system.

When you're under stress, your thinking brain—the part that remembers all those gentle parenting nuggets-shuts down.

And your survival brain?

It takes over.

So no, you’re not failing.

But you are flooded.

Let’s normalise this:

• You’re not broken.

• You’re not a monster.

• You’re not ruining your children.

You’re dysregulated.

What Conscious Parenting Actually Means

Let me be clear:

I’m not asking you to become a matcha-sipping, yoga-practising parent who never loses their cool.

Being a conscious parent doesn’t mean being calm all the time.

It means:

• Being aware of what’s happening inside you

• Returning to connection after rupture

You’re not aiming for perfection.

You’re aiming for repair.

Because when you model:

• How to apologise

• How to take ownership

• How to reconnect after a meltdown

…you’re teaching your child the emotional skills they really need.

Mindsight: The Skill That Changes Everything

Most of us are operating on autopilot.

Reacting, reacting, reacting.

Conscious parenting introduces the idea of mindsight-

A simple but powerful skill.

Mindsight = noticing what’s going on inside your own mind, so you can respond instead of react.

Take a breath and ask yourself:

• What’s one moment this week you wish you could rewind?

• What were you needing in that moment?

• What was your nervous system trying to protect you from?

This is where the real work begins.

You Don’t Need More Pressure. You Need Support.

The books, blogs, and saved Instagram posts?

They’re great.

But what you really need is a space where you feel:

• Seen

• Understood

• Supported

That’s what 1:1 coaching offers.

You’re already a loving, dedicated parent.

Now you need the support to implement what you already know-

With nervous system tools and real-time guidance that meet you where you actually are.

�� Ready to go deeper?

I’d love to invite you to reach out or book a free connection call.

Or, if you're just getting started, download my free Conscious Parenting Guide-it’s the perfect first step.

You don’t have to do this alone.

And a few small tweaks can truly change everything.

Why Tantrums Happen – And What to Do Instead of Yelling

louise@parentprospercoaching.com (Louise Hurley) — Thu, 29 May 2025 07:16:20 GMT

Tantrums

Why Tantrums Happen – And What to Do Instead of Yelling

I think we’ve all been there, haven’t we? You’re in the middle of the supermarket. Your toddler spots the bright red cereal box you’ve already said no to. Or maybe you thought you had gotten away with by diverting their attention away from it! Within seconds, you’re juggling a screaming child, judgmental stares from strangers, and the rising urge to snap. Sound familiar?

If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed by these emotions and wondered, “Why can’t they just calm down?” - you’re not alone. Tantrums are one of the most common (and challenging) parts of parenting. But they’re not misbehaviour. They’re communication.

I know it might not seem like it in the moment, but you can respond differently — without yelling, shaming, or losing yourself in the chaos.

Why Tantrums Happen (According to Brain Science)

Tantrums aren’t a sign your child is manipulative, spoiled, or bad. I promise you aren’t raising a brat.

They’re a natural part of growing up. Young children are still developing their brain’s prefrontal cortex - the part responsible for reasoning, impulse control, and emotional regulation.

Until then, their limbic system (the emotional brain) often takes over. When they feel overwhelmed, their nervous system goes into fight, flight, or freeze. And for toddlers, that often looks like screaming, hitting, crying, or dropping to the floor.

As a parenting coach with a master’s degree in education and metacognition (how children think about thinking and learning), I’ve learned that tantrums aren’t logical problems to solve — they’re emotional storms to co-regulate through.

Why Yelling Doesn’t Work (And What It Teaches Instead)

When we yell in response to a tantrum, we’re doing something very human - reacting from our own stress response. Believe me everyone, I have been there, done that! Apart from it not really achieving the desired outcome, I used to feel extremely guilty once I was done shouting. And resentful that I had been “made” to shout! More on that another time….

But from a child’s perspective, yelling can feel frightening or confusing. It doesn’t help them learn how to calm down. Instead, it often:

Increases fear or shame
Shuts down communication
Escalates the meltdown

Rather than teaching regulation, yelling teaches that emotions are unsafe — especially around the people they trust most. (That should be you, by the way!)

So What Can You Do Instead?

Here’s the part that changes everything: Your calm is more powerful than their chaos.

Here are five simple, conscious parenting tools to try during your child’s next meltdown:

1. Pause First

Take a breath. Even two seconds can interrupt your own reactive pattern. Put a hand on your heart or belly — a grounding touch calms your system.

2. Regulate Yourself First

You can’t co-regulate from a dysregulated state. Use simple tools like:

Inhale for 4 counts, exhale for 6.
Whisper instead of shout (it signals safety).
Remind yourself: “They’re having a hard time, not giving me a hard time.”

And if you’re reading this and you’re thinking – “yes, but breathing doesn’t work for me” , then your job here is to find something that calms and regulates you , and start to practice it. Maybe its physical movement. Maybe it’s something cold on the back of your neck. But whatever it is, you need to be practising it regularly – not only in the big moments of chaos.

3. Name What They’re Feeling

Emotion coaching begins with naming:

“You’re so mad because you wanted the red cereal. That’s hard.”

This helps your child feel seen, which actually reduces the intensity of the tantrum.

4. Hold the Boundary with Compassion

You don’t need to give in — but you can stay connected.

“I won’t let you hit. I hear how upset you are. I’m here with you.”

Keep talking to a minimum. Their little brains are offline!

5. Model What Calm Looks Like

You are your child’s emotional mirror. When they see you breathe, soften your voice, or sit beside them quietly, they learn how to do it too.

Real-Life Script: Try Saying This

When your child is in the middle of a tantrum, try this 4-line response:

“I see how upset you are.
I won’t let you hurt anyone.
Let’s breathe together.
I’m right here.”

You Don’t Have to Be Perfect — Just Present

I’ve worked with so many parents who worry that if they’ve yelled in the past, they’ve ruined the connection. That couldn’t be further from the truth.

Parenting is not about perfection. It’s about repair , awareness , and the courage to pause. Every tantrum is a moment to build trust — not control.

I know this deeply, not just from my coaching work, but from my own journey as a mum of two. I’ve raised my voice. I’ve made mistakes. I’ll never be that “perfect” mum. And I’ve learned that the most powerful change begins with one thing: presence.

Want More Support?

If you’re ready to feel calmer and more confident when your child has big emotions, I’d love to help.

�� Book a free discovery call

You don’t have to do this alone. You already have everything you need — I’m just here to help you see it.

The Science behind mindfulness and parenting

louise@parentprospercoaching.com (Louise Hurley) — Mon, 17 Jun 2024 10:16:56 GMT

The Science behind mindfulness and parenting

The Science Behind Mindfulness and Parenting

We have all heard about mindfulness in the last 5 or so years. It has become the buzzword for many different areas of life and there seems to be a vague mystical impression of it in the media. However, there is a growing momentum when it comes to mindfulness, and it is gaining traction in the eyes of the general public. In recent years, mindfulness has gained significant attention for its positive effects on mental health and well-being It seems, therefore, natural, that we should begin to look at parenting through the lens of mindfulness. - and this is exactly what conscious parenting does.

Without mindfulness, parents will not be able to be reflective – an important tenant of the conscious parenting approach. As parents, we are always seeking ways to improve our relationships with our children and foster a nurturing environment for their growth. Mindfulness offers a powerful tool to achieve these goals. This week, we delve into the science behind mindfulness and its transformative impact on parenting and child development.

Understanding Mindfulness

So, what exactly is mindfulness?

Mindfulness is the practice of being fully present in the moment, aware of your thoughts, feelings, and surroundings without judgment. It involves paying attention intentionally and with an open heart. For parents, this means being truly present with your children, listening to them attentively, and responding with empathy and patience.

Research on Mindfulness and Parenting

Enhancing Parental Responsiveness

Research has consistently shown that mindfulness can significantly enhance parental responsiveness. A study conducted by Duncan, Coatsworth, and Greenberg (2009) found that parents who practiced mindfulness were more attuned to their children's needs and emotions. This attunement led to more effective and compassionate parenting, fostering a stronger parent-child bond. Of course, Dan Siegal speaks about attunement at length in his work on the Whole Brain Child and also in “ the Power of showing up”

### Reducing Parental Stress

Most of us would admit that pParenting can be incredibly stressful, and chronic stress can negatively impact both parents and children. Mindfulness has been proven to reduce stress levels. A study by Bögels, Hellemans, van Deursen, Römer, and van der Meulen (2014) demonstrated that parents who participated in mindfulness-based stress reduction programs reported lower levels of stress and anxiety. This reduction in stress not only benefits the parent but also creates a more peaceful and supportive environment for the child.

Promoting Emotional Regulation

Emotional regulation is crucial for both parents and children. Mindful parents are better equipped to manage their own emotions and model healthy emotional responses for their children. A study published in the journal *Mindfulness* (2015) by Parent, McKee, and Forehand found that mindful parenting practices were associated with improved emotional regulation in children. Children of mindful parents exhibited fewer behavioural problems and had better emotional resilience. Why? Because children learn emotional regulation through co-regulation. Co-regulation cannot happen with a stressed out and reactive parent.

The Impact on Child Development

Indeed, Mindfulness doesn't just benefit parents; it also has a direct positive impact on children's cognitive development. Research by Zelazo and Lyons (2012) indicates that mindfulness practices can improve children's executive functions, such as attention, memory, and problem-solving skills. These cognitive benefits contribute to better academic performance and overall mental agility. If we think about a school environment, and how stressful that can be, we may then also turn our attention to teachers and their level of emotional regulation. Everything trickles downwards to the children.

Fostering Emotional Intelligence

This is all crucially important because Emotional intelligence, the ability to understand and manage one's emotions and empathize with others, is a key predictor of success in life. A study by Schonert-Reichl et al. (2015) found that children who participated in mindfulness programs demonstrated higher levels of emotional intelligence. They were more empathetic, better at managing their emotions, and exhibited greater social skills.

Practical Tips for Mindful Parenting

Practice Deep Breathing

Deep breathing exercises can help both parents and children calm their minds and bodies. Taking a few moments to breathe deeply can reduce stress and improve emotional regulation.

Engage in Mindful Listening

When your child speaks to you, give them your full attention. Listen without interrupting or planning your response. This practice fosters better communication and strengthens your bond.

Create Mindful Routines

Incorporate mindfulness into your daily routines. Whether it's during mealtimes, bedtime, or playtime, being fully present in these moments can enhance your connection with your child.

Model Mindfulness

Children learn by observing their parents. By practicing mindfulness yourself, you set a powerful example for your child to follow. Show them how to handle stress and emotions mindfully.

The science behind mindfulness and parenting is clear: mindful practices can profoundly improve the parent-child relationship and support healthy child development. By incorporating mindfulness into your parenting, you create a nurturing environment where both you and your child can thrive. As we continue to explore the benefits of mindful parenting, remember that small, consistent steps can lead to significant positive changes in your family's life.

By embracing mindfulness, you not only enhance your own well-being but also lay a strong foundation for your child's emotional and cognitive growth. So, take a deep breath, be present, and embark on this journey of mindful parenting with an open heart and mind. Your family will thank you for it.

What is Conscious Parenting all about anyway?

louise@parentprospercoaching.com (Louise Hurley) — Mon, 10 Jun 2024 05:16:59 GMT

What is conscious parenting anyway?

Throughout the years, we've all faced a deluge of parenting advice, much like the changing recommendations on sleep safety. In the 80s, my mother championed the practice of laying babies to rest on their stomachs—a method now deemed risky. Just as sleep guidance shifts, parenting approaches also evolve with fresh research and insights.

While conscious parenting may seem like a passing trend, it is rooted in ancient Eastern philosophies and modern Western psychology. This method emphasizes living in the present and understanding that children's misbehavior and adult dysfunction often originate from unmet emotional needs. It demands introspection and personal development from the parent.

The fundamental tenets of conscious parenting encompass self-awareness, emotional control, and empathy. Contrary to conventional “gentle” parenting, this approach not only addresses the foundational needs driving a child's conduct but also scrutinizes the parent's reactions and interactions. By comprehending and managing our emotions, we instill these skills in our children, creating a nurturing emotional backdrop.

Were we raised with such an outlook in the 80s and 90s? Likely not. This is where conscious parenting steps in, prioritizing personal evolution and self-examination. Parenting is not solely about nurturing children but also about progressing as individuals.

Conscious parenting transcends mere methods; it signifies a shift in mindset. By fostering mindfulness, empathy, and mutual regard, it nurtures the growth of both parent and child. The benefits are profound, leading to more resilient, healthier, and more connected families. As we confront the distinct challenges of contemporary parenting, adopting the principles of conscious parenting can foster a more harmonious and enriching family life.

Embark with us on this journey—it's an experience you won't regret!

One Thing I Would NEVER Do Again As a Parent

louise@parentprospercoaching.com (Louise Hurley) — Mon, 28 Sep 2020 19:58:01 GMT

If you feel like simply getting out the door on time (tie your shoes… where’s your coat… do you have your lunch??) is a battle, the reality is that you are locked in a power struggle with your child.

Someone will “win” and someone will “lose.”

And while this can be hard to recognize in the moment, power struggles are counter productive when it comes to cultivating a loving, healthy relationship with your child.

Power over dynamics are ubiquitous in our culture. However, when we tap into a larger truth we can see that everyone is divinely worthy of their own thoughts, emotions and experiences.

Yep! Even your kids. When we succumb to the candy of a power struggle, we are diminishing our child’s (the one we’d gladly dive in front of a bus for) self-worth, inner authority and ultimately, causing separation in the relationship through an erosion of trust.

While the stakes of this seem small when children are young, this can lead to really negative repercussions when these little cuties turn into big cuties. Teenagers who aren’t in communication with their parents about big challenges make poor decisions.

However, when trust and communication strategies are established early, there is an unshakable foundation that you child knows they can rely upon. They will come to you. Even when things are hard.

This is not a case for permissive parenting.

Clearly, we are charged with teaching our children to behave in acceptable ways, and to embody the values that we hold dear. I’ve learned that this is far more effectively done through conscious communication and emotional demonstration than the old “power over” ways that most of us were parented.

When my kids were little, I was a HUGE fan of the show “Supernanny.” She relied on a punishment and apology frame. Time outs were the relied upon method of bending a 3-year old to your will as a parent. (I personally loved the show because it made me feel like other people were way worse at this parenting thing than I was, and I wasn’t particularly confident in my skills at the time.)

I implemented her methods with gusto.

You will put on your shoes, or else….

You will eat your broccoli, or else…

You will NOT hit your sister, or else…

Time out.

The deal was your kiddo was supposed to sit there for the number of minutes as their age, then apologize. If they didn’t apologize they had to sit there for another round.

I knew that this method wasn’t going to work the day my 3-year old son sat on that step for well over an hour (you do the math). But then… even worse, he wouldn’t look at me for the rest of the afternoon.

I’d damaged our relationship in the name of control, and I vowed I would never do it again.

The key is to learn to be an authoritative parent that sees, understands and respects the individual experience of your child. When you communicate clearly, and are willing to own your own emotional experience, while allowing this little human to own his or hers, you can be in a powerful cooperative relationship.

Power struggles will sometimes (rarely) be necessary. So save them for when they count.